| time to think... |
[16 Apr 2006|11:44pm] |
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well i've been away from florida for 5 days now... its been so boring and i never would have thought i would miss it this much... i came down to texas thinking i would have the time of my life... and i did in certain ways, but i just miss everything about florida really... my home, my love, my cats, my car and strangly, my job...i think this was one of the best experiences comming down here because i really learned alot... all my friends down here are so messed up in drugs.... badly, and the sad thing is their parents sit their and do it with them... i mean not pot, but hardcore shit, it scares me... thank god i moved away when i did. also i noticed that all my friends have kids.. or they're engaged (to people in prison) one of my best friends i grew up with is engaged to this guy angel, and yes of course , hes in prison... hes been gone for 1 year and sends her cards and letters everyday hes away from her... but guess what, she cheats on him... i was there when she did just the other night and after she did she cried and felt bad, but two seconds later she was in the bathroom once again with the same guy... after he leaves, a day later, she does it with some other guy... damn man, what would possess someone to do that... i will admitt ive cheated on someone before , but never ever like that... damn... well anyway my cheating days are over... im happily in love and so is my guy and my dad said as long as we're happy together thats all that matters... now that im off the subject of being in texas i wanted to express my feelings...rikki, my sister, is pregnant with her second child, im so happy for herr , her life is going so well... my other sister however just had a baby and honestly i feel so bad for it... she drinks and takes zanex bars then breast feeds it... its horrible, that baby does nothing but sleep... she doesnt like to change its diper because she says it will just get dirty again... i cant believe she turned out the way she is... someone needs to lock her up for a long time and give that baby to someone who will love and cherish it... i, thank goodness, am not planning to have any babies anytime soon... being back here makes me wanna go home get a college degree and get my life together before i do any of the family stuff... hopefully things will fall in place soon... adam and i are happier every day to be together.. before i left for that whole week we had fun chasing each other around the house and playing like hide and go seek... just laughing and laughing... we have a great life so far.. you know i saw my dad today for the first time in a long time and he isnt doing to well... hes bad into unstoppable drugs and getting worse... the entire time i was sitting next to him in the car i just wanted to turn to him and make him promise that he was going to be there to walk me down the ailse (being that my sisters didnt invite him to their weddings) that would be the best thing ever to happen in my life, but i just was frozen there... i kept thinking "how could i ask him to promise to be there, when i know it most likely wont ever happen" i just kept closing my eyes trying to hold back my tears from falling... oh and as for vinnie.. im starting to feel so much anger towards him.. i dont feel like talking to him for a real long time (sorry if youre reading this) but its true... im ready to move on with my life and not have someone telling me and everyone i know how i messed up and how im going down, because i picked myself back up... and i realized there is nothing i need to prove to him or anyone else... i am happy, i am growing up and im doing to the best of my ability, if that doesnt fit his standards, then tough luck... im ready to go forward and not have anyone telling me im going the wrong way.. its time for me to choose my own paths, and its time i thought for myself for a change... im sticking up for what i think is right and how i was raised... so beat it... ok i think im done, i think i can go to bed now... i have to catch a plane back to my home tomorrow... the one place ive ever been comfortable.. and the place i work so hard to have... goodnight All
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[26 Feb 2006|02:06pm] |
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commercials on tv |
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Everybody's got something,
they've had to leave behind.
One regret from yesturday,
that just seems to grow with time.
There's no use looking back or wandering,
how we could be now or might have been.
Oh, this I know,
but still cant find ways to let you go.
I never had a dream come true,
until the day that i found you.
Eventhough I pretend that i've moved on,
you'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say,
you're the one i think about each day.
And I know,
no matter where life takes me to,
apart of me will always be,
with you.
Somewhere in my memory,
I've lost all since of time.
And tomorrow can never be,
becasue yesturday is all that feels my mind.
There's no use looking back or wandering,
how it should be now or might've been.
Oh, this I know,
but still I cant find ways to let you go.
I never had a dream come true,
until the day that i found you.
eventhough i pretend that i moved on,
you'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say,
you're the one i think about each day.
And i know,
no matter where life takes me to,
apart of me will always be...
You'll always be the dream that fills my head,
yes you will,
say you will,
you know you will baby.
You'll always be the one i know i'll never forget.
There's no use looking back or wandering,
becasue love is a strange and funny thing.
no matter how,
I try and try,
i just cant say goodbye.
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| empty |
[31 Jan 2006|12:23pm] |
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Alright, here is another one of those times i need to open up..... i cant hold back any longer... i feel my life is such a burden to everyone... i read vin's post and it said he feels obligated to help me since what we had, and where i am now... well, please dont help me then... i really dont want you to have to feel that way about me... eventually i can help myself out... im so tired of playing games... i thought he wanted to help becasue we were friends before and no matter what happens to those kinds of friends you still feel for them some way... maybe thats just what you do when your younger i guess... i guess i need to grow up and feel an obligation to help cosima... or a friend i dont really ever talk to but care about... ummm.... im tired of my new life too... i got mixed up with someone who honestly i feel doesnt care about me a bit... he says he does... but the only time he seems like he really means it, is when hes drunk... go figure... kyle always tells me im being to serious or, im too clingy, sorry thats how i was used to doing things... sometimes i sleep alone because adam wants to sleep on the couch, i always, always, wake up alone.... unles i wake up first... it is such an empty feeling to wake up to nobody.... it tears my stomach in two, especially when the person your supposed to wake up to is nowhere to be found. I feel like im a toy... like i get played with but as soon as someone is tired they just throw me away and dont really care. i know i made a mistake in the past, but maybe im supposed to be alone... or maybe im supposed to wait around and get my heart ripped out... i deserve both. i can finally admit that i am terrified of being alone... maybe somthing happened that i saw when i was little... maybe i knew someone who was so alone something bad to them happened... maybe i dreamt of it, or maybe i just cant accept myself completly... maybe im dependent upon men and i want them around me... i dont know... what i do know is that im about to be 18 and i live my life as if im 10, its not always bad, well not until i run into a mature situation and come to be so naiive... all i know is that my life is in the middle of changing, im tired of doing things to ruin it, and im tired of being hurt by adam... i think he says sorry more than i have with vinnie in the 2 year time period.. anyway thats all thanks
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| falling to pieces |
[11 Nov 2005|01:07am] |
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the sound of crying tears |
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this is the first time ive updated in a while and i guess i just need something to get my mind off things... i moved out... i thought i would be regreting it... but so far i havent... my mom and i are so much closer, everytime i get to see her we just talk and talk... we go out to lunch like once a week... its nice. and everytime i get to see my brother, he just laughs and smiles, i really wish he could be like 5 already so we culd talk and play... jim, same old shit... grumpy and an ass hole... my mom has no problems with him anymore since ive been gone... guess that makes them one big happy family now. i really wish i could see my dad and sisters... god knows how i miss them so much... they are all ive ever really had and miss all of them so so much....i wish i could be with them everyday of my life... vinnie and i have been apart for alomst 4 months now... man i dont now what got into me but i really do miss him too... i hope he doesnt read this either... anyway, adam is not the person i thought he was... or could ever be.. i always thought of him as a typical bachelor (like kyle) who got some from anyone when he wanted... but i guess he fell in love... he tells me how im the girl hes going to marry and how he loves me with all his heart... it was hard to believe at first, but when he went to new york, he called me everyday, every chance he got just to say hello and tell me how much he loved me and how much he missed me.... it made me feel so good... then when he came back he told me how we were going to get married in the courtyard of this old church and how it was so beautiful... and lately everytime we see a wedding cake he is like "no, that ones to small for us", or "yeah we will get our wedding cake from walmart" just kidding around... its so nice to see that he is always thinking about it... i wish i could just already be 30 and be married and have kids and be set with a good career... i hate being where i am now... 17 juggling school and work... barely seeing adam anymore because when we both get home we go straight to sleep... its sad... tonight, i couldnt sleep, hes in thier by himself.... im in kyles room... kyles at his dads.... one thing i cannot wait for is in 3 more weeks when we move into kyles step moms condo.... 2 floors, 3 bed 3 bath... peacefulness from billy and josh... which i really cant stand anymore... they are such moochers, i clean this house everyday and when they cook they leave thier dishes expecting me to do them, and then come home and bitch if thier not done... they can fuck off... now thiers dishes that have been in the sink for almost 2 weeks and im not touching them... my new job is okay, it keeps me busy anyway, and i get some money... i still owe my parents 587 for all my car stuff... that sucks... i shouldnt have quit cheeburger when i did... anthony... oh boy, i talked to him about 2 months ago... it sucks when the person you think will always be your best friend tells you that you can never get back what we had. since that day ive cried alot just thinking of him and how much i want him to call me and just say hes sorry... then our song will play and everything from then on will be ok... but i guess thats only from the movies... i know right now im stuck in a place that is going to require alot of time to get out of.... thank god i have kyle and adam and vinnie to help me through this.... especially vinnie,becasue he doesnt have to be there for me and he is.... i wish one day i have a son that is just like him... i can never be half the person he is... being hurt everytime your ex wants to come by and talk... he really loved me and i killed him... im so so sorry... i dont know who i am becomming or where i will end up... but i do know right now, adam and kyle are my best friends... we go through alot together, and yeah we may not like to grow up, but atleast we know how it is to have such a great friendship... i love adam alot... and im sure he loves me just the same... now im going to go lay in bed right next to him and hold him so close .... he is my heartbeat and i am his.... goodnight.... goodnight
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| its been awhile for everything... |
[19 Sep 2004|12:38am] |
here i go again crying myself to sleep. you say you love me, but lately i cant tell if you even remember what it means. dont you remember how it was? how it feels? laying together underneath the stars talking about forever. you used to say you couldnt wait until the winter so that you could hold me when it was cold... but now you say you cant wait because it will be cold. I cry so many tears at night feeling so unwanted. so unloved. I've lost everything. Am i loosing you? I try everything. I try suprises, little and big, i try using differnt ways to make you smile. and yet i always seem to fail. I'll do anything to make you happy. You know i would sacrifice my dreams for you... but what about you? you've never told me. Is it supposed to be apparent? would you be willing to give up what you want? There are great sacrifices that come along with the words "i love you" do you know that?... i didnt, until a few months ago. I just dont understand why i am willing and you are not. maybe you are.. i dont know. I already gave you my heart and told you it would follow you forever (as you can see) but i dont know if i still have yours. our plans... gone... i dont know what to say. i thought we could be the two percent that proved others wrong, can we? i feel guilty that i carry doubt now. but what am i supposed to think.. Fairytale. No. Im discouraged from that even by you. it hurts.
~~~~~~~You're asking me to be comfortable with Living with another man in the house, that i met once in my life, eventhough you trust him. moving into a place together is a big step for us, its something that we have to be mature about and we cant goof around with it... I can only try to support you on this... but like i said im biting my lip the whole way... and i respect your friends i love them for loving you, but hoestly, this is me and you, this will be our home with our dog, and our cat... and i am giving up my dreams for you... but still i feel strongly about this... and you know that.~~~~~~~~~~~ i dont know vinnie, but i need to know soon, do you love me, and are you willing to make sacrifices for me as i am for you... your not sacrificing your friendships for me, im not asking that, im just asking for your love in return, i didnt know it could be that hard... maybe im the one to blame, maybe im wrong.----but i will always love you---even if it hurts sometimes
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| ENIX |
[13 Aug 2004|09:15pm] |
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well its about time that vinnie and i get a dog... for so long we've been trying and trying,and finally the perfect answer in a newspaper... 6 lab mixes 3 black 3 brown $99... so i call the guy and after dicussing it with the vinster i got the directions to his house in Hallandale. Of course we couldnt get a black one cause they all had to be female, we got a brown male... hes mixed with german shepard and he's such a sweetheart. We thought of names the night before and vinnie wanted it to be Enix (its the company that makes Final Fantasy "Squaresoft Enix") and im sure JD helped him out on that one.. anyway it was unique and beautiful and fits him perfectly. He's 6 weeks old and such a playful little puppy... and as soon as we went to get him we brought him outside and he stood beside me and kept hiding underneath me and it was an immediate connection. Now i go to vin's every morning as early as possible so i can spend time with our son and my love. We are all one big happy family, and it feels so good... i finally have found my purpose on this earth and its to raise a wonderful puppy with vinnie... and it can teach us both how to be a careing parent in our future... im happy, and i know vinnie is happy.. and hey i know the puppy keeps vinnie awake all night, but soon it will be my turn here's the "deal" when i stay at your house at night, or until we have our first born, you have to wake up with Enix ( i will of course chip in sometimes) and when we have our baby, i will get up and take care of it at night.. and you can pitch in sometimes... TAA DAA lol i love you... and i love Enix, now are commitment is strong and our love is stronger... i love you two. goodnight... be good... adios
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| wowzers.... |
[07 Aug 2004|02:02pm] |
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counting crows ~ colorblind |
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last night was crazyful cool... i would have to say that was a great time with you guys.... lol first looking for jp then getting jp then going cow tipping, haha stupid bulls ruined all the fun, then when we went to brachenridge or something.... we followed this huge bird down a gravel road and it stopped right in front of us and it stared us down... i seriously thought it was going to turn into a huge monster and eat us alive... haha then we went to holiday park and jumped on the piers and tried to get attacked by alligators and then on the way home we stopped by 26th street where some guy got killed and chopped into little pieces and thrown into the canal... its in a movie, they remade it and its called BULLY, but i have never seen it... but anywho... it was awesome, then we dropped jp off as i jumped off of everyonein the car cause i couldnt fit and sat comfortably in the seat after jp left... we all made it home by 12 am exactly.... so we were safe and then i guess we all went to sleep.. atleast i did... tonight i worked then went to bass pro shop with anthony and johnand had fun trying to find my way to the bathrooms and then singing oonce i got in there becasue i great song was on "you'll think of me" which is something between vinnie and i, so i sung out loud. lol fun fun fun... then we went to mojos and watched her mom swing an ax around in the kitchen while yelling really loud at mojo... lol poor mojo... then we went to publix where i cashed my first paycheck, and met up with kim only to laugh at her and her green publix thing she has to wear... then i was home again... so anyway... im excited that i get to see my baby tomorrow i havent seen him in two days, but it feels like forever... its sad but true... so i shall go now adios
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| ...love |
[05 Aug 2004|01:16am] |
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Throughout my life i have come to many conclusions and realizations... alot of what i have done has taught me more than i can accept... but what i can tell you is that i have learned what infatuation feels like, and what love feels like... this summer i have realized quietly that love is giving up part of yourself and allowing that part to be filled by someone else. It's when your heart feels bigger than your whole body, because it's filled with trust and confidence and appreciation of one other special person. It's being able to communicate without a word and forgive unconditionally... well you know i can look at quotes and phrases all day to try and find something that matches my feelings, but out of all of them, one truly sticks out, and it is "for all side words of tounge or pen, the saddest are these: what might have been." thanks to my love, i have been able to learn and apply this to my life. i dont want to know what might have been in a couple of years, for i know that with your true love you can always look together at what might not have been and it can fill your heart... i love you
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| .... i dont know what to do... |
[30 Jul 2004|02:15pm] |
For you I would climb
The highest mountain peak
Swim the deepest ocean
Your love I do seek.
For you I would cross
The rivers most wide
Walk the hottest desert sand
To have you by my side.
For you are the one
Who makes me whole
You've captured my heart
And touched my soul.
For you are the one
That stepped out of my dreams
Gave me new hope
Showed me what love means.
For you alone
Are my reason to live
For the compassion you show
And the care that you give.
You came into my life
And made me complete
Each time I see you
My heart skips a beat.
For you define beauty
In both body and mind
Your soft, gentle face
More beauty I'll ne'er find.
For you are the one
God sent from above
The angel I needed
For whom I do love
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| what?!?! |
[24 Jul 2004|09:04pm] |
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On Bended Knee~ boys II men |
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yeah i had no idea what to put for a subject but yeah anyways.. im sitting here playing this friggin Zelda game (inwhich i developed the skill for the vinster) and im kickin some butt... yet im stuck... i turned into a bunny and now i dont know what the hell im supposed to do. vinnies been off work alot lately and i started getting used to seeing him everyday but then it had to come back at me and now hes working doubles all weekend... i have loved this summer though... i mean i had a great time at camp (afterwards) and i had a great time in texas and right when i got back i spent day after day with vinnie and we had our year anniversary which felt so good and then we just had so much fun... it feels like last summer when we were always with his family and where we always have fun being together when we're able too... it feels so good and soo right... we've had long talks and late nights and dinners and movies and wonderful things... god i love him with everything i have... last night vin had to work but it was his dads graduation and i went with his mom and two brothers and we had such a great time... it ended around 9 and so we went home to get vinnie so we could all go out to eat but he wasnt home yet and i needed to be home before 12 so (feeling very bad) we left him and went to eat out at the outback and it was very fun too.. i got to talk with his mom alot and we had a great time... the minute we got back to his house i went upstairs to get him and he was sleeping on the couch so i went and gave him a kiss and pulled him up... he went with his mom to drop me off and when we got to my front door i didnt want him to go... it sucks saying goodbye eventhough i know i will see him later... but i still did not want him to leave. He's at work tongiht and i wont get to hang out with him again untill either sunday night or monday when he doesnt have to work... i'm one excited woman... it's kinda like him comming home from months of war and me getting to see him again and again... thats how excited i am when i am with him... im so lucky... i got me a wonderful man... so that was my uhhh summer breifing... in a couple weeks vin and i are going to texas for like 4 days so he can meet my friends and family there... IM EXSTATIC... well i'll go away for now adios I LOVE YOU VIN
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| confused to often |
[19 Jul 2004|12:23am] |
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so much for my happy ending |
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well i have a great life with vinnie and all... he has work then comes home and i get to see him and its great... life coulndt be any better... but where did all those people go? where is the anthony that used to call for fun and just see what i was up to every now and then... where is the sexton that used to complain to me about not getting to be with kim before they started going out... and where is the mojo that used to be so awesome and call every 20 minutes to see whats going on....? where are my friends? where is that part of me that used to laugh and spit out my food at subway when my friends talked... i dont know? where did it all go? i know that in 1 year we'll all be away from each other and we'll start our own lives...i know in 1 year i'll be in Tampa starting my life with vinnie and making new friends... but why is it all starting now? i know that i dont call my friends as much as i used to... but atleast i do call more then 1 day a week just to say hi... it hurts knowin that people dont care about you unless you do something to make them care... it hurts to know that they can always depend on one another for one thing but i cant depend on them for anything... they're not even here... not even saying hello anymore... it hurts alot... tonight, vin told me to call up everyone to see what they were doing... so i called anthony cause he's basically the lo down guy and he said he was busy playing poker with sexton... "ouch" i was upset that vinnie made me call "everyone" tonight because i knew truly i had no one... they dont hang out with me anymore vin, they dont look at me the same anymore... im not part of "them" anthony and i are basically never around each other anymore and it hurts...im so happy to have vinnie though... he will stay by me no matter what happens... if he has work... the second he gets home he atleast calls to say hi... hes my best friend... and thats all i need... i just wish people werent so stupid to just forget like i thought my friends did... "ouch" im sorry guys vinnie was right... i do need to start realizing what a friend is and what an aquaintence is becasue im tired of getting hurt like this...
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| i miss him |
[09 Jul 2004|12:32pm] |
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lets be us again... lonestar |
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well it has been a week today since i left for texas and its funny because i really didnt want to come down here in the first place, but i totally ended up liking it alot, but i miss vinnie way too much...when ifirst got down here it was alright... i hung out with my sister rikki and jade, then i called my good friend sarah from back in 7th grade and we ended up haveing a hell of a time blasting country music going down to the lake and hanging out with my other old friends i havent seen in a while... we did that for like 3 nights in a row with the same people so we're taking a break tonight. Last night was jades 2 year birthday and we had a pool party... i was late along with sarah shawn kyle and kyle because the guys are like girls and they took 30 inute showers each... so while they got ready sarah and i went to the lake and drove around for a long while...anywho we got here to my sisters and everyone left to go to tony's house (my sisters friend) and we had some smirinoff and some fuzzy navels... and hung out... once again blarin the country music and sitting on the tailgate of the nicest pick up truck... provided by tony... lol we didnt end up taking the guys home untill 2:30am cause sarah needed time for the alcohol to ware off.. so everyone hung out downstairs while i was upstairs putting jade to bed and watching tv... i was the only sober one out of the whole night i think... wow... today my dad is supposed to come up and see me and jade... but i dont know if he'll make it... and tomorrow im going out into the country and riding motocross bikes and then going to eat at LUBY"S by favorite resteraunt that they dont have in florida... so yay....alright well ill be home monday and i get to see vinnie then hopefully... i miss him oh so very much... i just miss being in his arms and sleeping and eating dinner at his house... and just his smile, and his laugh...i havent seen those in a long time... i miss just him being himself without an worries or stress.. alright im tearing up now so i shall go... buh bye
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| my heart has been poured |
[27 Jun 2004|07:17pm] |
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scribbler of dreams~ Pierced |
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How many faces does regret have? The quite face of a lie, barely whispered.The seductive face of prying questions. The shrewd face of a deception well planned. The longing face of a dream never realized. How may faces... too many to count, and when I look in the mirror, I see them all. ~ If my tears could wash away my deceptions, then the very world would be clean. If regret could make right my wrongs, the rightness of the whole world would be seen. But alas, wishes cannot make things alright. Regret can only unfold, a path I shall not take again, a future i shall not hold. Sins that cannot be undone, follies that age and grow, the deathly heartbeat of my lie, Is the punishment I will know. But those who I have sinned against, evil plans against me vow, with wicked pleasure, revenge licks her lips, two souls she has captured now. Regret is a lonely companion. Its hands are cold. Its words, empty. It whispers what might have been. So much regret for my lies that hurt him, but there is one lie that I will never regret - The lie that allowed me to love him. I am through writing about regret. I cannot change the past - only the future. And the only thing I can really change about the future is me. I have decided to live my life one step ahead of myself - To know the actions that will bring joy or pain. I will retrace my steps to start my journey fresh again. The teeth have unclenched themselves from my flesh and I have escaped the foolish wishes of regret's bitter hold. On a small planet, where minute follows minute, day follows day, year follows year, where tradition marches on with a deafening, orderly beat - sometimes the order is disturbed by a dreamer, an artist, a scribbler - sometimes the beat is changed one person at a time.
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[27 Jun 2004|07:09pm] |
Your a Guradien Angel! Guardien Angels are also
knows as Warrior Angels, because they are the
army of God. Not always meaning that they are
in war, simply that their job is to protect
unwary humans from dark dragons, or other evil
demons. Warrior Angels are not always friendly
with humans, but they will watch over them all
the time. Humans say that when a miracle
happens, thank your guradien angel.
What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Element is Fire. You have a strong,
independant, fiery personality and you
obviously don't ley other's puch you around.
You like being in charge and don't care what
other people think. In fact, you like to stand
out and be yourself. You're probably shy when
people first meet you but your a ball of energy
that could explode at any given moment. You
like to laugh and whether you admit it or not,
you like to fight. You're peronality that is
wild and untamable. You're beauty is physically
fit and a little sexy and you have a very
pretty face.
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla
wow that was fun, im sitting at home bored as hell waiting for dinner to be ready which wont be for another hour and then im going out with anthony mojo and vin to see The Notebook!!!! im so excited, anyway i have to sleep at mojo's tonight, or maybe i'll sleep at vin's house...that would be cool. Alright im off to go make dinner so i can get a move on and get the hell out of here. adios
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| haha stolen away again mojo lol |
[27 Jun 2004|06:51pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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You have a twisted soul! Twisted Souls are never
bad, and actually, are a rarity amongst souls.
These souls are a little combination of
everything, with always a little of their own
chaos to add. Twisted Souls are kind, loving,
weird, zany, temperamental, and very talented.
They have their own firm opinion, and can at
one time be very outspoken and passionate, and
the other time shy and feeling insignificant.
Twisted Souls have good senses of Humor and
other times can be a bore. You can act quite
intelligent at one time, and grasp concepts
easily, while other times they can find it
difficult to understand. Twisted Souls are
always very fun and Kind, and can be party
animals. But, if you love someone, youre
serious about it, intense, and forever loyal.
Congratulations-the world should have more like
you.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
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| to miss is to cry, to be missed is apparently nothing... |
[06 Jun 2004|04:28pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Diamond Rio: One More Day |
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Got a picture of you I carry in my heart, I Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark. Got a memory of you I carry in my soul, I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold. If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine. But the truth is, if you could read my mind... Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. After all this time you're still with me it's true. Somehow you remain locked so deep inside. I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night. Thinking you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right. And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark Wishing you were next to me, your head against my heart. If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine. Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days. Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way. Vin, I know it's not your fault for having to work all the time and getting grounded. But it hurts to see that your okay with it. I cry every night. I cry every day. I always think about you and I honestly wish I didn't, because when I do it hurts. We can't hang out tomorrow for long. I have to go get some stuff done. And thursday will be a tease, as well as friday. I'm leaving for camp that monday without getting to say goodbye to you. Then i get back and your in Miami with your friends. And then that monday you made plans with anthony already to go play hockey. we dont have all summer... we probably won't even get half. The only difference in between going out and not going out is the fact that when we go to bed we know that somewhere out there is someone who loves us and misses us, and someday we'll get to be together. It hurts even with my friends around. Not being with you has torn me apart. I haven't eaten good in a week. I haven't had fun, I have slept and cried. And im making myself sick. But i'll be alright someday right? I guess I'll see you around school. Only to be teased at getting to be held by you. I love you. See ya.
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| life blows big gahunnas |
[03 Jun 2004|08:46pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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everytime~brittany spears |
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high school is pointless... well atleast the last two years. what are you supposed to learn from a teacher who sits in her desk and does nothing and a teacher the speaks but doesnt talk in english... im sick of it. im sick of school. and the funny thing is im miserbale. you're always miserable. always in the dumps. even if one of the funniest things happens, you get upset once again soon after. and now i am starting to think the same way you are. yeah im ready to get out of this hell hole... but i might at well enjoy what i have here. god forbid you die tomorrow... i will know you loved me, but if someone were to ask me if you enjoyed life... i would'nt know how to respond. you're a great person and nobody can be perfect. not even your "true" friends. yeah you know those guys are always going to be the best and you won't ever like anyone as much as them. but you dont give many people trys. it seems like you used to. but now you just gave up. you gave up on your future, your friends, your family, your music, and above all yourself. i will always believe in you and thats all you need to survive and be happy. a little faith. but the truth is, unless you dont want to help yourself i cant help you. if you dont want to take a test, i cant make you. if you dont want to wake up in the morning... then i cant help you. but i can tell you i will always care and always be there, and always love you. i want our future... i want us... but it doesnt seem like you do. you say you're trying... but are you trying your hardest. even if i never ever get to see you except for 3 minutes a day, i wont mind as long as you're happy and your working toward your future. i just want you to be safe. i want you to be happy. you'll never be alone. you'll always have me and our kids and our blacky jr. and spanky jr. you know that i will always love you... and we can get through anything if we try. im not trying to be a mother and tell you waht you have to or need to do. im just trying to get you to relize that in one year....ONE.... we'll be out on our own, trying, and trying very very hard. theres is always a way. and there is always a choice. and i already have chosen to stay with you. i love you. and i want us to be happy. i want you to be happy. and i want myself to be happy. we can do it. do you know that i always think about you... our future and what our kids will be like. we've been together almost a year. and it flew by. i love you. are you happy? do you honestly love me? with your head or with your heart? do you care? i hope so. and i do care about you more than anything. i want you to have the kind of place you desire... even a small house with a picket fence... with a big yard for blacky jr. hmmmmm the life... i love you poohbear... im just upset we dont have time right now... adios
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| wowzers |
[01 Jun 2004|08:18pm] |
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mood |
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save yourself ~stabbing westward |
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hey yall i havent written in here in a while... a long long while... anyways my 4 day weekend was average i guess you could say. friday i hung out with nessa cosima and anthony and we went to cheeburger so i could visit vinnie, then to the beach it was alright. then saturday i babysat from 10 am untill 7 pm... it was dreadful but i got 64 bucks. then i came home and hung around with nessa and anthony for a while. sunday i babysat again from 10 am untill 7 pm and made 65 bucks... one dollar more go raven!!! yeah then i went straight to vinnies and we hung out all night... i loved it... i miss hanging out with him. then on monday i was supposed to go see the day after tomorrow with anthony and nessa. but anthony had to go out with his family :( but it was all good, nessa and i hada great time... it was a funny/sad/scary movie... i want to see it again... i miss my vinnie very much. its not fair what has been happening lately... i dont like day and night. i dont like time... i wish there wasnt time. his work has been needing him alot lately.. and him being so devoted to it.... sucks... and school is pointless it just gets in the way... and then theres friends and study time and bull crap stuff... theres not even a time for us... its basically when we scrape up time to be with each other. he says it will get better in the summer... yay for summer but it wont happen. i mean his boss knows that if he needs someone to work, he'll just call vinnie... they're going to abuse him to the max with work.... and then when school starts again.... we wont have time at all... none... but hey i guess thats the price you pay when your inlove... well i shall ponder for awhile... adios
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| yahh hooo |
[24 May 2004|05:17pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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music |
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waking up beside you~stabbing westward |
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Phoenix:
Phoenixes are litterally birds of fire. They are
brave and majestic and have the ability to be
reborn from their own ashes. You are strong
willed and confident- a true leader. Although
you can get down in the dumps occasionaly you
are never there for long. Many people flock
around you and like you as a friend.
What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
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| can somebody please tell me who set the standards? |
[24 May 2004|04:38pm] |
Try-To make an effort to do or accomplish
Bum-A lazy or shiftless person, especially one who seeks to live solely
Successful-Having achieved wealth or eminence
Drop Out-To withdraw from established society, especially because of disillusion with conventional values.
Importance-the quality of being important and worthy of
afraid-Filled with regret or concern.
Love-To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person
Care-To have a liking or attachment
Forever-For everlasting time; eternally
Willing-A desire, purpose, or determination, especially of one in authority
ass-A vain, self-important, silly, or aggressively stupid person.
alone-Being without anyone or anything else.
Reality-That which is real; an actual existence; that which is not imagination, fiction, or pretense; that which has objective existence, and is not merely an idea.
Alright i took time to get all this done for you... look at realize. c'mon man, bring yourself back to reality and stop dwelling on your future, we're there to support each other... and if you want to be alone than tell me right now... because you are either going to speak now, or forever hold your peace... im in it for the long run... and you dont need to be afraid... vin i love you.. please dont do this to yourself... just be smart... i will always be on your side even if i absolutly despise your choice.... adios... farewell... im off to decide how MY future will be, oh wait... i dont care... i love you
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